Hi, dear readers, I’ve thought about you people behind the screens.
I have been in a state of mental emptiness for some months now.
In the core of my essence, I’m an optimist. On the outside, the pessimist tries to fill any available loophole with negativity and scorn.
You probably know from your own experience about the study – work – retire circle. Taking into account that it’s a very broad generalization, it still scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to sound smartassish or know-it-allish, but the feeling of how short life is, has hit me quite young.
I made the socially praiseworthy choice of enrolling into university straight after secondary school. I moved together with my boyfriend not giving it any air after being in a long distance relationship from the start. While the western society sees no flaw in becoming educated, independent and devoted, it has left a dent in my soul.
It’s really hard to describe the feeling of emptiness that has no otherwise trackable source rather than the vague feeling of how short and uninteresting life can be. With little variations such as with whom will you mate to make kids, where will you go on holiday and how much taxes will you have to pay to the government.
This series of thoughts has been crossing my mind in repeated circles and occured while watching something random on the telly today. Note the words: random, telly. I voluntarily let some tv-channel into my mind just to fill it with something. Just to take away this terrible feeling of mental loneliness and overall emptiness.
This realisation flushed me over like a wave out of nowhere. Trivial things around me, washing the dishes, commuting to school, talking about nothing just to keep the words flowing, reading coursebooks, dragging my ass to gym – all of this to keep me from thinking further!
While the 1.3 kiloish organ of grey mass has caused me a considerable amount of mental and physical pain over the most recent past, I still find reasons not to give up on everything. I think, therefore I am. Thus I can pursuit the hunt for the meaning. And not give up even if the dark days happen quite often.
Dear reader, perhaps you have a tip or two about how to get out of this pickle? I’d gladly listen to your advice, be it going mountain climbing or sobbing it out in a corner or, optionally, on my poor boyfriend’s shoulder.
PS! The happy grass for all good purposes and not the ’bad’ ones, is a bad request, as it can only be a tool, not a solution. 🙂